John Malkovich

Bluebells and sunny spells! Another retro movie weekend is here which means…. time for some retro movie goodness!

Setting sail into the vast infinity of the deep blue sea, we find ourselves at the simple beginnings of what could quite be the journey of a lifetime. With ration sacks bulging and water receptacles sealed and tight, we slowly begin to drift away from the certainty of the land as we aim our craft into the unknown to take on all that may lay before us. Will we find old and forgotten lands? Will we just end up going in a circle and end up where we began? Let’s find out!

Have a happy retro weekend!

SATURDAY 13th May

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IQ
(1994) Sony Channel 12:00pm-2:00pm (2 hours)
A woman is determined to find a husband as brainy as her famous uncle – who happens to be Albert Einstein. However, the famous scientist is convinced she would be better off with a humble car mechanic. Romantic comedy, starring Meg Ryan, Walter Matthau, Tim Robbins and Stephen Fry.

The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) ITV 1:30pm-4:00pm (2 hours 30 minutes)
The Three Musketeers set out to depose the villainous King of France and reinstate his long-imprisoned twin brother. However, they face an unexpected threat in the form of old friend D’Artagnan, who has remained loyal to the evil monarch. Swashbuckling adventure, starring Leonardo DiCaprio in a dual role, alongside John Malkovich, Jeremy Irons, Gerard Depardieu, Gabriel Byrne, Anne Parillaud and Hugh Laurie.

The Return of the Musketeers (1989) Sony Movie Channel 4:00pm-6:10pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
D’Artagnan reunites his former companions to save the queen of France from the scheming Cardinal Mazarin, and embark on a mission to England to prevent the beheading of Charles I. Meanwhile, the daughter of a former vanquished enemy is seeking revenge on the four heroes. Swashbuckling adventure sequel, with Oliver Reed, Michael York, Frank Finlay, Richard Chamberlain, Kim Cattrall and Roy Kinnear, who died during filming.

The Three Musketeers (1973) Film4 4:40pm-6:50pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A naive country boy arrives in Paris, keen to seek adventure and prove himself a swordsman. He falls in with a trio of roguish soldiers, and together they set out to save the queen from the schemes of a treacherous cardinal. Swashbuckling adventure, starring Oliver Reed, Michael York, Richard Chamberlain, Frank Finlay, Charlton Heston and Faye Dunaway.

Mr Bean’s Holiday (2007) ITV2 6:35pm-8:20pm
The bumbling fool wins first prize in the church raffle – a trip to France and a video camera. His travels cause chaos as he disrupts a film shoot in Cannes, to the fury of its megalomaniac director, and is then accused of kidnapping a youngster. Comedy, starring Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe, Emma de Caunes and Max Baldry.

Mr Bean TShirts

Training Day (2001) Dave 9:00pm-11:20pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
A cop embarks on his first day in narcotics, partnering a seasoned officer whose willingness to flout the rules forces him to question everything he has learnt. As they resort to extreme measures to crack a case, the rookie is left battling his conscience in a dangerous situation. Thriller, starring Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Scott Glenn and Tom Berenger.

Conan the Destroyer (1984) ITV4 9:00pm-11:10pm
The mighty sword-wielding warrior returns and is hired by a duplicitous queen to retrieve a mystical artefact from an evil sorcerer. Unfortunately, he fails to see that the malevolent monarch has a sinister plan in mind, and intends to kill him once his task is complete. Fantasy adventure sequel, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain and Sarah Douglas.

The Mask (1994) ITV 9:50pm-12:00am
A timid bank clerk stumbles on an ancient mask, which endows whoever wears it with untold superhuman powers, unbridled self-confidence and an irresistible charm for the ladies. Unfortunately, he earns the enmity of a local gangster for daring to flirt with his girlfriend – and when the crook gets wind of the artefact’s existence, he covets the power for himself. Comic-book comedy, with Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Peter Riegert and Peter Greene.

Fallen (1998) BBC1 11:45pm-1:45am (2 hours)
A detective investigates a series of grisly murders that mimic the handiwork of an executed serial killer. The case takes a stranger twist when he realises a bloodthirsty disembodied demon is responsible – and that it can leap from one unsuspecting host to another. Supernatural thriller, starring Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland and Embeth Davidtz.

SUNDAY 14th May

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Fright Night
(1985) Film4 1:10am-3:25am (2 hours 15 minutes)
A teenager becomes convinced his new next door neighbour is a vampire responsible for a series of recent disappearances. Finding nobody is willing to believe his unlikely story, he seeks the aid of a washed-up movie star famous for playing a vampire hunter in destroying the monster. Comedy horror, starring Chris Sarandon, Roddy McDowall, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse and Stephen Geoffreys.

Dr Dolittle (1998) Channel 4 1:30pm-3:10pm (1 hour 40 minutes)
A doctor is stunned to discover he can talk to animals, and it is not long before his home and surgery are taken over by an assortment of ailing creatures in need of help. However, when the medic’s odd behaviour attracts his colleagues’ attention, he is forced to rely on his new-found furry friends to save him from the asylum. Comedy, starring Eddie Murphy, Ossie Davis and Oliver Platt..

See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) Sony Movie Channel 4:10pm-6:20pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A blind man and his deaf friend go on the run to clear themselves of a trumped-up murder charge. However, all kinds of oddball characters are on their trail, determined to get hold of a top-secret microchip that the duo do not realise they have. Comedy, starring Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder, Kevin Spacey, Joan Severance, Alan North and Anthony Zerbe.

Live and Let Die (1973) ITV 4:20pm-6:35pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
James Bond’s investigation into the murder of three British agents leads him to a connection between the dictator of a Caribbean island and a notorious Harlem drug kingpin – along with a plot to flood America with limitless supplies of free heroin. Spy adventure, with Roger Moore in his first appearance as 007, alongside Yaphet Kotto and Jane Seymour.

James Bond TShirts

Star Trek (2009) Film4 6:35pm-9:00pm (2 hours 25 minutes) *Not retro but not to be missed*
The trainee crew members of the starship Enterprise embark on their maiden flight, which pits them against a Romulan commander from the future who is planning a horrific revenge on those he blames for a tragedy in his own time. Sci-fi adventure based on the original TV series, starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Zoe Saldana and Leonard Nimoy.

Star Trek Clothing

In the Line of Fire (1993) Sony Movie Channel 9:00pm-11:45pm (2 hours 45 minutes)
An ageing secret service agent, tormented by his failure to save the life of John F Kennedy in 1963, is drawn into a battle of wits with a sinister CIA-trained assassin out to kill the current president. As the day of reckoning draws closer, the agent’s nerves are tested to the limit – and nothing seems to be going his way. Wolfgang Petersen’s thriller, starring Clint Eastwood, John Malkovich, Rene Russo and Dylan McDermott.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, always dress the part and remember to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

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