Mars Attacks

Take to the skies! Another retro movie weekend is among us!

With a zip and a clip, we’ve packed our bags for another long and adventure filled journey through the retro movie jungle that be before us. Taking just the bare essentials with us… which is still more than you expect, we’ll begin our tour through far and distant lands. Stopping for only refreshments, we will masterfully hack our way through the cinematic wonder as we reach our final destination, only to gaze and stare at the majestic celluloid wonder.

Have a happy retro weekend!

SATURDAY 11th FEBRUARY

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The Wizard of Oz
(1939) 5STAR 12:55pm-3:00pm
Youngster Dorothy Gale is whisked over the rainbow by a tornado into the magical land of Oz, where she inadvertently kills a wicked witch – incurring the wrath of another. Setting out to find the wizard who can show her a way home, she is joined on her journey by a scarecrow, a tin man and a cowardly lion, who all hope their own wishes will be granted. Musical fantasy, with Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Jack Haley, Bert Lahr and Frank Morgan.

The Wizard of Oz Merchandise

Turner & Hooch (1989) Film4 4:55pm-6:55pm (2 hours)
A Californian detective investigating the murder of a local man by drug smugglers has only one witness to help him solve the case – the large, smelly dog that belonged to the victim, which is about to turn the detective’s well-ordered existence into chaos. Family comedy, starring Tom Hanks, Mare Winningham and Craig T Nelso.

Every Which Way But Loose (1978) ITV4 4:00pm-6:10pm
A truck driver travels across America with his faithful orang-utan competing in bare-knuckle fights for extra cash. He becomes smitten with a country singer who subsequently vanishes without a trace, so man and ape set off in search of her – with an enraged gang of bikers in pursuit. Action comedy, starring Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Geoffrey Lewis and Beverly D’Angelo.

Volcano (1997) Film4 6:55pm-9:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
A river of molten lava spews from an erupting volcano onto the streets of Los Angeles, prompting the head of a crisis agency to team up with an intrepid scientist in a frantic and dangerous bid to save the city’s residents. Disaster thriller, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gaby Hoffmann, Keith David and Don Cheadle.

The Full Monty (1997) Dave 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
Six unemployed men from Sheffield decide to become strippers for one night only in a bid to raise extra money. However, with no dancing experience and far from perfect physiques, the men rely on the unique selling point of complete nudity to impress the punters. Comedy, starring Robert Carlyle, Mark Addy, Tom Wilkinson, Hugo Speer and Paul Barber.

Mars Attacks! (1996) ITV4 11:15pm-1:25am
The inhabitants of Earth leap into action to repel an impending invasion by a seemingly invincible Martian army, which possesses superior weaponry, a thirst for destruction and a wicked sense of humour. Tim Burton’s sci-fi comedy, starring Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Annette Bening, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito and Tom Jones.

The Blues Brothers (1980) Sony Movie Channel 11:20pm-2:10am (2 hours 50 minutes)
Two criminal brothers discover the orphanage where they were raised faces closure unless the nuns who run it can pay their tax bill, so the pair embark on an urgent mission to revive their old blues band to raise the money needed. Comedy, starring John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Ray Charles, Cab Calloway, Carrie Fisher, John Candy and John Lee Hooker.

SUNDAY 12th FEBRUARY

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Mrs Doubtfire
(1993) Channel 4 5:15pm-7:30pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
A struggling actor’s ambitious, no-nonsense wife throws him out and demands a divorce. Desperate to spend time with his children, he puts his talents to good use by donning drag and posing as a Scottish housekeeper to get a job looking after them. Comedy, starring Robin Williams, Sally Field, Pierce Brosnan, Harvey Fierstein and Mara Wilson.

Catch Me If You Can (2002) BBC2 5:45pm-8:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
The story of Frank Abagnale Jr, who found notoriety as a teenager conning and charming his way across America. Posing as a pilot, a doctor and a lawyer, Frank was able to fund an extravagant lifestyle while outwitting the FBI at every turn. Fact-based drama, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Christopher Walken, Martin Sheen and James Brolin.

Men in Black (1997) E4 7:00pm-9:00pm (2 hours)
A streetwise cop is enlisted by a top-secret government force dedicated to policing alien visitors to Earth, teaming up with a veteran agent just as a body-swapping extraterrestrial giant insect begins a reign of terror throughout New York City. Sci-fi comedy, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Fiorentino, Rip Torn and Vincent D’Onofrio.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, stay humble, stay hungry.

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Great volcano! Another weekend, another time for retro movie rundown!

With the trees blowing and the tops of puddles shuffling, the cold winter winds are finally here. Braving the elements, we’ll grab our trusty, if not sometimes tangled kite and head for the hills. With a might leap, we’ll throw our plastic hero up into the… well not clouds but pretty high. Tugging at the lifeline of string, we’ll watch our kite dance, duck and dive in the air before stopping to capture this moment forever on celluloid wonder.

Have a happy retro weekend!

SATURDAY 4th FEBRUARY

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The Borrowers (1997) Film4 2:45pm-4:25pm (1 hour 40 minutes)
A family of four-inch-high people living beneath the floorboards of an ordinary human home help the owner’s son fight back when a dastardly lawyer plans to demolish the house and make way for a luxury apartment block. Children’s fantasy, starring John Goodman, Jim Broadbent, Celia Imrie, Flora Newbigin and Tom Felton.

The Wizard of Oz (1939) 5STAR 3:10pm-5:20pm
Youngster Dorothy Gale is whisked over the rainbow by a tornado into the magical land of Oz, where she inadvertently kills a wicked witch – incurring the wrath of another. Setting out to find the wizard who can show her a way home, she is joined on her journey by a scarecrow, a tin man and a cowardly lion, who all hope their own wishes will be granted. Musical fantasy, with Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Jack Haley, Bert Lahr and Frank Morgan.

The Wizard of Oz Merchandise

Every Which Way But Loose (1978) ITV4 3:50pm-5:00pm
A truck driver travels across America with his faithful orang-utan competing in bare-knuckle fights for extra cash. He becomes smitten with a country singer who subsequently vanishes without a trace, so man and ape set off in search of her – with an enraged gang of bikers in pursuit. Action comedy, starring Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Geoffrey Lewis and Beverly D’Angelo.

Superman (1978) ITV4 4:00pm-6:55pm
A fledgling superhero crash-lands on Earth after evacuation from his home planet and is taken in by an elderly couple who raise him as their own. But with adolescence comes a greater understanding of his superhuman powers, leading to his rebirth as a crusader for justice and defender of the American way of life. Comic-strip adventure, with Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Margot Kidder and Marlon Brando.

Superman Merchandise

X-Men (2000) E4 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
Super-powered outsiders Rogue and Wolverine find themselves at a school for mutants which is run by a benevolent psychic professor. While there, they agree to join others with similar gifts to take on a superhuman mutant terrorist faction intent on establishing dominance over mankind. Sci-fi comic-book adventure, starring Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin and Halle Berry.

Beverly Hills Cop (1984) Sky 1 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
Fast-talking Detroit cop Axel Foley heads for Los Angeles after an old friend is murdered before his eyes. His search for the killers leads him into conflict with a seemingly untouchable drug kingpin, but he also has to contend with the local force, who do not want him taking matters into his own hands. Comedy thriller, starring Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold, Ronny Cox, John Ashton and Steven Berkoff.

Bullitt (1968) ITV4 9:05pm-11:25pm
A tough police detective is assigned to protect a Mob witness for 48 hours, only for hitmen to find their hiding place and try to silence the informant. The rebellious cop realises something does not add up and goes in search of both the killers and whoever told them where to locate their target – but an ambitious politician wants him off the case. Thriller, starring Steve McQueen, Jacqueline Bisset, Robert Vaughn and Robert Duvall.

SUNDAY 5th FEBRUARY

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Rest in Peace, Mrs Columbo
(1990) 12:35pm-2:45pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
The wife of a criminal who died in prison swears revenge on the men she holds responsible for his incarceration – including Columbo. She kills one of her targets, and the shabby sleuth is assigned to the case. As she faces his well-honed approach to sniffing out a suspect, she plots to murder his wife. Crime drama, starring Peter Falk, Helen Shaver and Ian McShane.

The Jewel of the Nile (1985) 4:50pm-7:00pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A novelist travels to the Middle East to become a sheik’s official biographer, only to end up being held hostage by him. Her lover joins forces with an old enemy to rescue her, but they get drawn into the hunt for a mysterious ancient treasure that has a connection to an eccentric holy man. Comedy adventure sequel to Romancing the Stone, starring Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito.

Turner & Hooch (1989) Film4 7:00pm-9:00pm (2 hours)
A Californian detective investigating the murder of a local man by drug smugglers has only one witness to help him solve the case – the large, smelly dog that belonged to the victim, which is about to turn the detective’s well-ordered existence into chaos. Family comedy, starring Tom Hanks, Mare Winningham and Craig T Nelson.

Mars Attacks! (1996) ITV4 10:05pm-12:15am
The inhabitants of Earth leap into action to repel an impending invasion by a seemingly invincible Martian army, which possesses superior weaponry, a thirst for destruction and a wicked sense of humour. Tim Burton’s sci-fi comedy, starring Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Annette Bening, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito and Tom Jones.

Kevin and Perry Go Large (2000) Comedy Central 10:30pm-12:10am (1 hour 40 minutes)
The teenage duo are thrilled when their parents agree to let them go to Ibiza, and promptly embark on an increasingly desperate quest to find stardom as club DJs and lose their virginity on the sun-kissed shores – but seem certain to fail. Comedy, starring Harry Enfield, Kathy Burke, Rhys Ifans, James Fleet and Paul Whitehouse.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, keep it cool and keep it funky!

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Mrs Voorhees severed head! It must be Halloween Weekend.

As the darkness thickens and your bones start to chill and tiny hairs on your body stand on end. Your eyes refuse to blink as you look around every corner for what you thought you saw, you heard something, a  flicker of a shadowy figure darts from one wall to another as a gentle whisper of air brushes past your ear! Your spine trembles, your body tenses, you’d rather not turn around because you know situations like this never end well! There’s a creek from the wooden floorboards and as your heart thumps louder your curiosity gets the better of you as you make the decision to turn – you take one last gulp of air before you turn your head! Something darts out from the corner of the darkness, you jump literally out of your skin and let out a tiny yelp as your kitty cat playing  tricks on you runs between your legs looking like the smuggest little butter wouldn’t melt [insert swear word] (true story, this actually happened!)

So like a group of happy little kiddies dressed to the nines like ghosts and witches let us be your friendly bandaged head to foot mummy and try to fill your plastic glowing pumpkin heads to the brim as we take you door to door looking for retro tricks and nostalgic treats of pure spooky cinematic greatness.

Have a happy retro spooky weekend mwaaa hahahah haaaaa!

SATURDAY 27th OCTOBER

Innerspace (1987) ITV2 1:00pm-3:25pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
A Navy test pilot is shrunk in a ground-breaking scientific experiment, but instead of being injected into a laboratory rabbit, the tiny specimen accidentally winds up inside a hypochondriac supermarket worker. As he tries to find a way out, criminals come after the unlikely duo in search of the secret of the miniaturising technology. Sci-fi comedy, starring Dennis Quaid, Martin Short, Meg Ryan, Kevin McCarthy, Fiona Lewis and Vernon Wells.

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) ITV1 London 3:15pm-5:40pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
Farm boy Luke Skywalker is thrust into an intergalactic battle between good and evil while trying to rescue a spirited princess from the clutches of the evil Darth Vader. En route, he is helped by a cocky space pilot, a veteran warrior, two bickering robots and a hairy 8ft monster. Sci-fi adventure directed by George Lucas, with Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing.

Mars Attacks! (1996) Watch 6:00pm-8:00pm (2 hours )
The inhabitants of Earth leap into action to repel an impending invasion by a seemingly invincible Martian army, which possesses superior weaponry, a thirst for destruction and a wicked sense of humour. Tim Burton’s sci-fi comedy, starring Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Annette Bening, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito and Tom Jones.

The A-Team (2010) Channel 4 9:05pm-11:25pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
Premiere. Four soldiers are sent on a top secret mission in Iraq that results in them being imprisoned for a crime they did not commit. When they learn the culprit is trying to sell equipment for producing fake currency, they break out of prison to find him and the evidence of their innocence. Action adventure based on the 1980s TV series, with Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley and Quinton `Rampage’ Jackson.

Mr Tea Sovereign Mug £7.99

Mr Tea Sovereign Mug £7.99

Smokey and the Bandit (1977) ITV4 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
A truck driver accepts a challenge to deliver a consignment of beer to a party. He claims he can make the 900-mile round trip in just 28 hours, but a pompous sheriff is determined to stop him in his tracks, not least because his prospective daughter-in-law has deserted his son and hitched a ride with the unlikely hero. Comedy, starring Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason, Sally Field and Jerry Reed.

Halloween H20 (1998) BBC3 10:15pm-11:35pm (1 hour 20 minutes)
Homicidal madman Michael Myers returns to stalk his original target, now an alcoholic teacher, 20 years after his first killing spree, and ends up terrorising a group of teenagers in a deserted school. Horror sequel, starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Josh Hartnett and Michelle Williams.

Dawn of the Dead (1978) Syfy 10:00pm-1:10am (3 hours 10 minutes)
Four people take refuge in a shopping mall from a horde of flesh-eating zombies, clearing out the ghouls already in residence and battening down the hatches. However, their hidey hole is not as secure as they had hoped, and the beleaguered survivors are soon plunged into increasingly grisly battles with their undead foes. George A Romero’s horror sequel, starring David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott Reiniger and Gaylen Ross.

Ladies Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

Ladies Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

SUNDAY 28th OCTOBER

Carry On Screaming (1966) ITV3 4:50pm-6:50pm (2 hours)
A sinister boffin, his sultry sister and two genetic misfits kidnap innocent women from spooky Hocomb Woods and turn them into mannequins – but two dim-witted detectives look set to throw a spanner in the works. Comedy horror, starring Kenneth Williams, Fenella Fielding, Harry H Corbett, Charles Hawtrey, Jim Dale, Joan Sims and Bernard Bresslaw.

Monster House (2006) Channel 5 5:00pm-6:50pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
A boy becomes obsessed with a sinister elderly neighbour living in a creepy old house. On Halloween night, he and two friends discover the chilling truth – the house is alive and eats anything that comes too close, including children. Animated comedy horror, with the voices of Mitchel Musso, Sam Lerner, Spencer Locke, Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jason Lee.

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) ITV2 6:45pm-9:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
A lonely boy befriends an alien who has been left stranded on Earth. The two develop a psychic connection as the boy helps the extraterrestrial to contact his own people and call for rescue. However, living on Earth starts to have a devastating effect on the visitor’s health, while a government operative is determined to capture him for study. Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi fantasy, starring Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Dee Wallace-Stone and Peter Coyote.

Men's Dark Heather E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies)

Men's Dark Heather E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies)

Stargate (1994) Channel 5 6:55pm-9:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson.

The Evil Dead (1982) Syfy 12:00am-2:00am (2 hours)
Five students staying in a remote cabin find an ancient magical book, and unwittingly unleash evil spirits on the world. The dark forces they have conjured up possess them one by one, transforming them into ravenous zombies with an insatiable desire to feast on the living. Sam Raimi’s horror, starring Bruce Campbell and Ellen Sandweiss.

Ladies Grey Zombie Killer Swing Vest £19.99

Ladies Grey Zombie Killer Swing Vest £19.99

Shaun of the Dead (2004) Sky Movies Modern Greats 9:45pm-11:30pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
An unambitious 29-year-old man trapped in the job from hell and recently dumped decides to get his life back on track. Unfortunately, he has to put his plans on hold when zombies rise from their graves and stalk the streets of London’s suburbs to feast on the living. Comedy horror, starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Dylan Moran, Lucy Davis, Bill Nighy and Penelope Wilton.

Men's Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

Men's Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

Tremors (1989) Sky Movies Action & Adventure 12:30am-2:15am (1 hour 45 minutes)
A dull American town in the middle of the desert is suddenly attacked by huge man-eating subterranean creatures. Luckily, two dimwitted but brave handymen step into the breach to lead a ragtag bunch of locals and a mismatched pair of survivalists in the battle against the gruesome worm-like monsters. Comedy horror, with Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross, Reba McEntire and Bobby Jacoby.

One of life’s small pleasures is when it actually gets cold and you turn on the central heating for first time; there’s a nice cosy feeling that goes along with that and it makes me want to watch horror movies which I love! I do enjoy a good scare although there aren’t many things I’m afraid of, apart from Big Bird from Sesame Street and telephones but that’s a story for another time.

Whatever you get up to this weekend enjoy yourselves and try not to eat too many sweets – it will spoil your tea.

Trick or treat.

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