Great balls of fire! Another weekend, another amazing chance to catch some top retro films!
Trekking our way through the jungle like a khaki wearing explorer, we find ourselves totally and completely surrounded with classic movie wilderness. Each turn will lead to previously unseen territory where we could learn more around the worth around us, find new lands and discover something completely new. Like this weekend’s top picks for retro goodness, there are no wrong turns, just new adventures.
Have a happy retro weekend!
SATURDAY 6th FEBRUARY
Mr Bean’s Holiday (2007) ITV2 2:10pm-4:00pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
The bumbling fool wins first prize in the church raffle – a trip to France and a video camera. His travels cause chaos as he disrupts a film shoot in Cannes, to the fury of its megalomaniac director, and is then accused of kidnapping a youngster. Comedy, starring Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe, Emma de Caunes and Max Baldry.
Chocolat (2000) Film4 2:40pm-5:00pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
A woman and her daughter move to a sleepy French village in 1959 and brazenly open a chocolate shop directly opposite the Catholic parish church during Lent. At first the locals are enraged and appalled, but her confections soon raise spirits in the community, especially among the wives. Drama adapted from Joanne Harris’s novel, with Juliette Binoche, Johnny Depp, Alfred Molina and Judi Dench.
Beethoven (1992) ITV2 4:00pm-5:50pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
An all-American family adopts a huge St Bernard, but the father is dismayed when it turns into a one-dog disaster zone. He insists the mutt must go to a new home, but when it is kidnapped by a crooked vet, dad has a change of heart and races to the rescue. Comedy, starring Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Oliver Platt and David Duchovny.
Willow (1988) 5* 4:50pm-7:25pm (2 hours 35 minutes)
A farmer with dreams of becoming a wizard finds an abandoned baby, who is destined to bring about the downfall of an evil queen. The wicked tyrant’s minions have been sent to kill the child before she can fulfil the prophecy, and it falls to the would-be sorcerer to protect her, with the aid of a rogue warrior. Fantasy adventure, starring Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer.
Shallow Hal (2001) Film4 6:45pm-9:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
Superficial Hal is only interested in dating physically perfect women, but his outlook is changed when a self-help guru hypnotises him into seeing inner beauty – and he ends up falling for a spirited overweight woman. However, when the hypnosis wears off he struggles to remember that looks are not everything. Farrelly Brothers comedy, starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Jack Black, Jason Alexander and Joe Viterelli.
The Mummy Returns (2001) ITV2 6:50pm-9:20pm (2 hours 30 minutes)
Married explorers Rick and Evelyn battle the newly resurrected mummy Imhotep and his ruthless partner, who have captured their son. The undead creature is heading for a confrontation with a legendary ancient warrior – with power over a magical army to be won. Fantasy adventure sequel, starring Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Arnold Vosloo, Oded Fehr and Patricia Velasquez, with a brief appearance by Dwayne Johnson.
The Fifth Element (1997) 5* 7:25pm-10:00pm (2 hours 35 minutes)
In the 23rd century, the world faces destruction from a seemingly unstoppable force of pure evil. Meanwhile, a New York cab driver encounters a mysterious woman destined to save the Earth from its fate, and has to protect her from a scheming arms dealer and a horde of alien mercenaries. Luc Besson’s sci-fi adventure, starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich and Gary Oldman.
Escape from New York (1981) ITV4 9:00pm-11:05pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
Former special forces soldier Snake Plissken is sentenced to life on Manhattan Island, an anarchic penal colony for the most dangerous criminals. When Air Force One is hijacked and crashes there, Snake is coerced into rescuing the US president from prisoners holding him hostage. John Carpenter’s sci-fi action adventure, with Kurt Russell, Donald Pleasence, Lee Van Cleef, Adrienne Barbeau and Isaac Hayes.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) AMC 9:00pm-11:10pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
The foul-mouthed New Jersey layabout and his quiet sidekick discover Hollywood executives are making a film based on them. Fearing for their reputation, they head to Tinseltown to stop it being made, only to fall foul of a gang of female jewel thieves. Comedy featuring the characters from Clerks, directed by and starring Kevin Smith. With Jason Mewes, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Will Ferrell and Shannon Elizabeth.
Jurassic Park III (2001) ITV London 10:40pm-12:15am (1 hour 35 minutes)
Palaeontologist Dr Alan Grant is lured to a dinosaur-infested island by a divorced couple who offer to fund his research, unaware their real motive is to find their missing son – and that the creatures on the island are far more intelligent than anyone suspected. Action adventure sequel, starring Sam Neill, William H Macy, Tea Leoni and Alessandro Nivola.
SUNDAY 7th FEBRUARY
The Princess Bride (1987) 5* 2:00pm-4:05pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
A cynical youngster becomes entranced by his grandfather’s magical tales, which revolve around a stable-boy’s heroic quest to rescue his lost love from the clutches of an evil prince, with the aid of a vengeance-seeking Spanish swashbuckler and his hulking sidekick. Rob Reiner’s comic fantasy adventure, with Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Chris Sarandon, Mandy Patinkin, Peter Falk and Fred Savage.
School of Rock (2003) E4 2:30pm-4:45pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
A slobbish guitarist dreams of stardom, but his hopes are dashed when the other members of his band kick him out. Struggling to make ends meet, he takes a job as a supply teacher at an exclusive private school, and sets about moulding his pupils into rock gods. Comedy from director Richard Linklater, starring Jack Black, Joan Cusack, Mike White and Sarah Silverman.
Smokey and the Bandit II (1980) Dave 2:55pm-5:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
The maverick haulier must overcome a crisis of confidence when he and his friends are hired to transport a pregnant elephant to Texas, a mammoth task that proves far from easy, especially with their old enemy in hot pursuit. Road comedy, with Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason, Jerry Reed, Dom DeLuise and Sally Field.
Fun Fact: The scene where Carrie (Frog) announces her ending up the relationship to Bandit was written by Sally Field, who was about to break up with Burt Reynolds at the time. Reynolds wanted Sally to express her feelings about the breakup on film because he wanted to know how she really felt about him.
Three Men and a Little Lady (1990) Channel 5 3:40pm-5:35pm (1 hour 55 minutes)
Bachelor Jack and his two best buddies have brought up his baby Mary since she was left in their care by her mother, Sylvia. Now that Mary is five years old, Sylvia believes she needs a more conventional upbringing and decides to accept a marriage proposal from an English aristocrat, leaving the trio of dads rushing to stop the wedding. Comedy sequel, with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg.
Despicable Me (2010) ITV2 5:10pm-7:00pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
A criminal mastermind hopes to seal his reputation as the greatest villain of them all by stealing the moon. First he needs to get his hands on a shrinking ray owned by a rival evil genius, and adopts three orphan girls to help him – but finds that fatherhood brings out his long-buried caring side. Animated comedy, with the voices of Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand and Julie Andrews.
X-Men (2000) Channel 4 5:35pm-7:30pm (1 hour 55 minutes)
Super-powered outsiders Rogue and Wolverine enlist at a school for mutants which is run by a benevolent psychic professor. While there, they agree to join others with similar gifts to take on a superhuman mutant terrorist faction intent on establishing dominance over mankind. Sci-fi comic-book adventure, starring Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin and Halle Berry.
Little Nicky (2000) Channel 5 5:40pm-7:15pm (1 hour 35 minutes)
The Devil decides to put off retirement for a little longer, but his two oldest sons are left fuming – and decide to get revenge by creating Hell on Earth. The job of saving the world falls to their good-natured younger brother, who travels to New York to put things right. Comedy, starring Adam Sandler, Patricia Arquette, Harvey Keitel, Rhys Ifans, Reese Witherspoon and Rodney Dangerfield.
Airplane! (1980) Film4 7:15pm-9:00pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
The passengers on board an ill-fated airliner become increasingly jittery when the flight crew flounder during a food-poisoning crisis. As ground control personnel struggle heroically to ensure the plane lands safely, a traumatised war veteran must face his fear to take the controls. Spoof disaster movie, starring Robert Hays, Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack and Lloyd Bridges.
Zoolander (2001) Channel 5 7:15pm-9:00pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
Dim male model Derek Zoolander is stunned to find his career going downhill thanks to the arrival of an equally vacuous rival – but fails to realise he is merely a pawn in a dangerous game of international espionage and world domination. Comedy, starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Milla Jovovich, Christine Taylor and David Duchovny.
Nighthawks (1981) ITV4 9:00pm-11:05pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
Two tough cops are assigned to track down a ruthless terrorist on the streets of New York before he carries out his threat to blow up the UN building – and from randomly picking off innocent citizens as the pressure builds. Action adventure, starring Sylvester Stallone, Billy Dee Williams, Rutger Hauer, Lindsay Wagner, Nigel Davenport and Persis Khambatta.
Patriot Games (1992) Film4 9:00pm-11:15pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
Former CIA agent Jack Ryan foils an assassination attempt by an IRA splinter group, killing one of the terrorists in the process. However, he becomes caught in a lethal game of cat-and-mouse with the dead man’s revenge-seeking brother. Thriller based on Tom Clancy’s novel, starring Harrison Ford, Sean Bean, Samuel L Jackson, Richard Harris and James Earl Jones, reprising his role from earlier Clancy adaptation The Hunt for Red October.
Whatever you’re up to this weekend, keep it cool and keep it classy.