The the beard of Zeus! It’s only another retro movie filled weekend!
Like a keen and very armature paintball team who are geared up and ready to rumble, we find ourselves faced with another round of adrenaline fuelled mayhem. Firing out what can only be described as a flood of paintballs at anything that moves and plenty of things that don’t, we’ll run, jump and hide our way to victory like many action movie heroes before us.
Have a happy retro weekend!
SATURDAY 7th May
School for Scoundrels (1960) BBC2 10:30am-12:00pm (1 hour 30 minutes)
A timid company owner is pushed around by his employees, deceived by a car salesman, humiliated by a waiter and finally loses his girlfriend to a dastardly rival. Salvation comes in the form of an unusual college dedicated to teaching students how to succeed through being manipulative and devious, and he sets about getting even with his enemies. Comedy, starring Ian Carmichael, Terry-Thomas, Alastair Sim and Janette Scott.
No Name on the Bullet (1959) ITV4 12:50pm-1:50pm (1 hour)
A hired gunslinger causes the inhabitants of a small town to relive their guilty pasts as they each wonder who he has been employed to kill, leading to a series of deadly confrontations as they try to outflank him. Western, starring Audie Murphy, Joan Evans, Charles Drake and RG Armstrong.
Three Men and a Little Lady (1990) 5STAR 1:45pm-3:50pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
Bachelor Jack and his two best buddies have brought up his baby Mary since she was left in their care by her mother, Sylvia. Now that Mary is five years old, Sylvia believes she needs a more conventional upbringing and decides to accept a marriage proposal from an English aristocrat, leaving the trio of dads rushing to stop the wedding. Comedy sequel, with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg.
Despicable Me (2010) ITV 2:30pm-4:30pm (2 hours)
A criminal mastermind hopes to seal his reputation as the greatest villain of them all by stealing the moon. First he needs to get his hands on a shrinking ray owned by a rival evil genius, and adopts three orphan girls to help him – but finds that fatherhood brings out his long-buried caring side. Animated comedy, with the voices of Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand and Julie Andrews.
The Karate Kid Part II (1986) Comedy Central 3:00pm-5:15pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
High-kicking teenager Daniel accompanies his venerable mentor Mr Miyagi when he returns to the Japanese province of Okinawa to visit his dying father. However, an old rival of Miyagi’s is waiting for them, while Daniel is drawn into a vicious conflict with their enemy’s own karate protege. Martial arts sequel, starring Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita and Yuji Okumoto.
The Karate Kid TShirts
School of Rock (2003) Film4 4:25pm-6:35pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A slobbish guitarist dreams of stardom, but his hopes are dashed when the other members of his band kick him out. Struggling to make ends meet, he takes a job as a supply teacher at an exclusive private school, and sets about moulding his pupils into rock gods. Comedy from director Richard Linklater, starring Jack Black, Joan Cusack, Mike White and Sarah Silverman.
Fun Fact: The idea for the movie came when writer Mike White moved into an apartment next to Jack Black. White would often find Jack Black running naked through the halls or blasting much of the music featured in the movie at full volume.
You’ve Got Mail (1998) ITV2 5:05pm-6:10pm (1 hour 5 minutes)
Two rivals in the bookshop business fall in love over the internet, unaware they know and dislike each other in the real world. While things remain frosty in person, the pair’s anonymous online relationship continues to blossom. Romantic comedy, starring Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Greg Kinnear, Parker Posey and Dabney Coleman.
Smokey and the Bandit II (1980) Dave 4:55pm-7:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
The maverick haulier must overcome a crisis of confidence when he and his friends are hired to transport a pregnant elephant to Texas, a mammoth task that proves far from easy, especially with their old enemy in hot pursuit. Road comedy, with Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason, Jerry Reed, Dom DeLuise and Sally Field.
The ‘Burbs (1989) 5STAR 6:00pm-8:00pm (2 hours)
The arrival of secretive neighbours sparks an unhealthy curiosity in a group of friends, leading them to go to bizarre lengths to discover the truth about the newcomers. However, their investigations take an even weirder twist when they begin to suspect their unseen fellow suburbanites are part of a cannibalistic cult. Joe Dante’s black comedy, starring Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Corey Feldman and Henry Gibson.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) ITV4 7:00pm-8:10pm (1 hour 10 minutes) 2 parts
James Bond is sent on a mission to track down master criminal and arch-enemy Blofeld, who is intent on destroying world peace by means of a lethal virus unless he receives an international amnesty for his crimes. Spy adventure, starring George Lazenby in his only outing as 007, alongside Telly Savalas, Diana Rigg and Gabrielle Ferzetti.
Star Trek (2009) Film4 6:35pm-9:00pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
The trainee crew members of the starship Enterprise embark on their maiden flight, which pits them against a Romulan commander from the future who is planning a horrific revenge on those he blames for a tragedy in his own time. Sci-fi adventure based on the original TV series, starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Zoe Saldana and Leonard Nimoy.
Star Trek Merchandise
The Fly (1986) Syfy 10:00pm-12:00am (2 hours)
A scientist invents a teleportation machine, but as he prepares to test the apparatus on himself he is unaware that a housefly is inside the system with him. The experiment causes his body to splice genetically with the insect, leading to a terrifying and grotesque transformation. David Cronenberg’s remake of the 1950s horror, starring Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis and John Getz.
Alien (1979) Channel 4 11:25pm-1:40am (2 hours 15 minutes)
Crew members of a cargo spacecraft answer a distress call from a derelict alien vessel. However, their mission of mercy has fatal repercussions when a deadly, seemingly indestructible monster gets on board their ship and starts killing them one by one. Ridley Scott’s sci-fi horror, starring Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Ian Holm and John Hurt.
SUNDAY 8th May
The Big Lebowski (1998) ITV4 1:15am-2:20am (1 hour 5 minutes) 2 parts
A case of mistaken identity forces an ageing hippie to divide his time between trying to win a bowling tournament and searching for a wealthy industrialist’s kidnapped wife, while getting involved with assorted oddball characters in the process. The Coen brothers’ comedy, starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, David Huddleston, Philip Seymour Hoffman and John Turturro.
The Secret of My Success (1987) ITV3 6:10am-7:20am (1 hour 10 minutes) 2 parts
A naive country boy travels to New York to make his fortune, only to end up working in a corporation’s mail room. He chances on a vacant office and hatches a plan to pass himself off as a top-ranking executive, but leading a double life proves harder than expected. Comedy, starring Michael J Fox, Helen Slater, Richard Jordan and Fred Gwynne.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) Channel 5 2:00pm-3:35pm (1 hour 35 minutes)
An eccentric but brilliant former cop sets himself up to champion the underdog – as a private eye specialising in locating missing animals. The zany detective is called in to find a kidnapped dolphin – the mascot of an American football team – and uncovers a plot involving high-level police corruption. Comedy, starring Jim Carrey, Courteney Cox, Sean Young, Tone Loc and Noble Willingham.
The Fifth Element (1997) Channel 5 3:35pm-5:55pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
In the 23rd century, the world faces destruction from a seemingly unstoppable force of pure evil. Meanwhile, a New York cab driver encounters a mysterious woman destined to save the Earth from its fate, and has to protect her from a scheming arms dealer and a horde of alien mercenaries. Luc Besson’s sci-fi adventure, starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich and Gary Oldman.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) Channel 5 6:00pm-9:00pm (3 hours)
An English nobleman returns home from the crusades to find his father has been murdered and the local people are repressed by the tyrannical rule of the Sheriff of Nottingham. Branded an outlaw, he recruits a group of bandits to fight for justice and protect the downtrodden. Action adventure, starring Kevin Costner, Alan Rickman, Morgan Freeman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.
Speed (1994) Film4 9:00pm-11:15pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
An LAPD cop discovers a psychopathic criminal has planted a bomb on a crowded bus, primed to go off if the vehicle drops below 50mph. He boards the vehicle and helps the hapless passenger who has been forced to take the wheel to keep a constant speed to avoid a disaster. Action thriller, starring Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, Dennis Hopper and Jeff Daniels.
Weird Science (1985) GOLD 11:40pm-1:35am (1 hour 55 minutes)
Two sexually frustrated teenagers use their computer to design the perfect woman, but are ill prepared for the outcome when their creation comes to life. She decides to make men of them, by putting them in a series of situations that will force them to stand up for themselves. John Hughes’ sci-fi comedy, starring Kelly LeBrock, Anthony Michael Hall, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Robert Downey Jr and Bill Paxton.
Whatever you’re up to this weekend, keep it breezy and remember to hit save. Always hit save.