The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 97

Smokey bacon sandwiches! It has to be the Weekend!

So, inside a white laboratory, found in the depths of a government run research facility. Let us be your highly intelligent, super smart  micro biologist, as we stare into our microscope looking for the secrets of retro movie magic, we’ll splice together neutrons and electrons to create cinematic greatness before we discover the breakthrough that is celluloid wonder.

Have a happy retro weekend!

SATURDAY 3rd MARCH

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Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984)
Channel 5 12:30pm-3:05pm (2 hours 35 minutes)
The infant heir of an aristocratic English family is raised by apes in the African jungle after his shipwrecked parents are killed. Years  later, he saves the life of a Belgian explorer, who returns him to England so he can claim his birthright. Drama based on Edgar Rice  Burroughs’ novel, starring Christopher Lambert, Ian Holm, Andie MacDowell and Ralph Richardson.

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999) ITV2 5:45 pm-8:30 pm (2 hours 45 minutes)
Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn are instructed to protect Queen Amidala when her planet is invaded. Escorting her away from  danger, they meet gifted youngster Anakin Skywalker, who seems ideally suited to join the pair’s order – but is unaware of just how  powerful he could become. Sci-fi prequel, starring Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and Ray Park.

Star Wars T-Shirt BMX Stormtrooper TShirt

Arachnophobia (1990) 5* 5:50pm-8:00pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A mild-mannered doctor sets up practice in a small town, but a cloud gathers over his career due to a series of unexplained deaths. Before  long, he has to convince the locals that a horde of venomous spiders is responsible and confront his intense fear of arachnids into the  bargain. Comedy horror, starring Jeff Daniels, John Goodman, Julian Sands and Brian McNamara.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) Film4 9:00pm-10:55pm (1 hour 55 minutes)
A man suffering a mid-life crisis tries to recapture his lost youth by going back to his old haunts with two equally unhappy friends and  his teenage nephew. They end up being transported back to 1986 and are tempted to give themselves the lives they always wanted – despite  warnings that they must not change anything. Sci-fi comedy, starring John Cusack, Clark Duke, Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry.

SUNDAY 4th MARCH

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Beethoven (1991)
ITV2 12:35pm-2:20pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
An all-American family adopts a huge St Bernard, but the father is dismayed when it turns into a one-dog disaster zone. He insists the  mutt must go to a new home, but when it is kidnapped by a crooked vet, dad has a change of heart and races to the rescue. Comedy, starring  Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Oliver Platt and David Duchovny.

Getting Even with Dad (1994) 5* 1:35pm-3:50pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
Spoilt child Timmy goes to live with his outwardly respectable father, but realises he is a small-time thief planning his latest robbery.  Timmy sets out to reform his dad, and in the meantime manages to fix him up with an attractive undercover cop – leading to much confusion.  Family comedy, starring Macaulay Culkin, Ted Danson, Glenne Headly and Hector Elizondo.

Stargate (1994) Channel 5 6:45pm-9:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient  Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the  enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002) ITV2 7:15pm-10:00pm (2 hours 45 minutes)
Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and apprentice Anakin Skywalker are sent to protect Senator Padme Amidala from an assassin. However, as  galactic civil war threatens to erupt, the pair are forced to split their efforts, leading Anakin into an ill-advised romance and the  beginnings of a journey toward the dark side. George Lucas’s second prequel to the original sci-fi trilogy, starring Ewan McGregor, Hayden  Christensen, Natalie Portman and Christopher Lee.

Star Wars T-Shirt Star Wars T-Shirt

Whatever you get up to this Weekend remember, put sprinkles on your  ice cream and always enjoy yourselves.

xoxo

The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 82!

Alphabetti Spaghetti! Looks like the Weekend to me!

Once Upon a cloudy sky. Amongst a thick hazy Forrest, sat hunched over on a hollowed out log, gazing wearily over a steaming boggy marsh. Let us be your be-shaggled woodland Troll as we dribble, droll and blow snot bubbles in anticipation of something slimy and squidgy or boney and crunchy to eat. We’ll be poised and ready to pounce onto some cinematic greatness, we’ll prepare our nasty nosh with herbs and sprinkles of movie magic before we devoir the whole thing in one single gulp and belch out some celluloid wonder.

Have a happy retro weekend!

SATURDAY 11th JANUARY

Stargate (1994) 5*  5:10pm-7:30pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson

The Fifth Element (1997) 5*  7:30pm-10:00pm (2 hours 30 minutes)
In the 23rd century, the world faces destruction from a seemingly unstoppable force of pure evil. Meanwhile, a New York cab driver encounters a mysterious woman destined to save the Earth from its fate, and has to protect her from a scheming arms dealer and a horde of alien mercenaries. Luc Besson’s sci-fi adventure, starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich and Gary Oldman

Saving Private Ryan (1998) More4  10:00pm-1:25am (3 hours 25 minutes)
In the aftermath of the Normandy landings, a group of American soldiers scours the battlefields of France in search of a missing infantryman, who has been given compassionate leave to return home because his brothers have been killed in the conflict. Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-winning Second World War drama, starring Tom Hanks, Tom Sizemore, Edward Burns, Matt Damon, Barry Pepper and Vin Diesel

Dogma (1999) Film4  9:00pm-11:25pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
Two fallen angels banished to Earth discover a theological loophole could get them back into Heaven – except their plan will cause the world’s destruction. It falls to a lapsed Catholic woman to stop them, with the aid of two so-called prophets, a muse-turned-stripper and a forgotten 13th apostle. Kevin Smith’s comedy fantasy, starring Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Lee and Alan Rickman

SUNDAY 12th JANUARY

Space Jam (1996) Channel 5  3:30pm-5:10pm (1 hour 40 minutes)
Aliens arrive on Earth to abduct the Looney Tunes gang as a new attraction at their failing intergalactic theme park. To keep their freedom, Bugs Bunny and friends challenge the invaders to a high-stakes basketball game, calling on Michael Jordan to save the day and send the extraterrestrials back where they came from. Live action and animated comedy, starring Bill Murray and Danny DeVito, with the voices of Billy West and Bill Farmer

Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992) Film4  3:25pm-5:10pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
A scientist perfects a device for making objects grow when they come into contact with electricity. Unfortunately, his two-year-old son is accidentally turned into a giant and goes on the rampage through the streets of Las Vegas. Disney comedy sequel, starring Rick Moranis, Marcia Strassman, Robert Oliveri and Lloyd Bridges

Coming to America (1988) Film4  9:00pm-11:15pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
A bored African prince defies his father’s plans for an arranged marriage and escapes to the USA to find a bride on his own terms. Comedy, starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in several roles, with James Earl Jones, Allison Dean, Eriq La Salle and Madge Sinclair

Sixteen Candles (1985) Film4  11:15pm-1:10am (1 hour 55 minutes)
A teenager’s parents forget her birthday, so she tries to get over her disappointment by searching for the man of her dreams, unaware she’s looking in the wrong place. Comedy drama, starring Molly Ringwald, Justin Henry and Anthony Michael Hall

Whatever you get your filthy mitts on this weekend, remember never stare a Gorilla in the eye and always enjoy yourselves.

xoxo

The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 37!

Jack Frosts nose! More Weekend movie shenanigans!

So on a cold winters evening let us serve up to you, whilst in front of a roaring fire, snuggled up warm and cosy on the couch in your winter woollies, a big old steaming broth of soup as we lovingly stir in chunks of retro cinematic delight and slices of golden movie moments and dip in ripped up pieces of celluloid greatness. Mmmmm tasty!

Have a happy retro weekend 🙂

SATURDAY 19th JANUARY

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990) GOLD 7:00pm-9:05pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
Cute furball Gizmo is reunited with his human friends Billy and Kate, who now work in the New York offices of an eccentric tycoon. However, it is not long before Gizmo has spawned a new generation of murderous carnivores, who quickly overrun the building – and a genetics lab where they produce even more startling mutations. Joe Dante’s comedy sequel, starring Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, John Glover and Christopher Lee.

Men's Heather Navy Word To Your Mogwai Gremlins T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies!)
Men's Heather Navy Word To Your Mogwai Gremlins T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies!)

The Simpsons Movie (2007) Channel 4 7:15pm-9:00pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
Homer unwittingly pollutes Lake Springfield, so the US government decides to isolate the city underneath a giant dome. The Simpsons manage to escape and plan to start a new life in Alaska – but learn Springfield is about to be destroyed, and return to save their friends. With the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright and Yeardley Smith.

Men's Light Blue Homer Family Fun Run Simpsons T-Shirt £19.99Con
Men's Light Blue Homer Family Fun Run Simpsons T-Shirt £19.99

Con Air (1997) BBC3 9:45pm-11:30pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
A parolee hitches a ride home on a maximum-security flight conveying some of America’s deadliest criminals, and when they hijack the plane in mid-flight he is forced to intervene. Meanwhile, a US marshal has an ongoing battle on the ground to prevent the plane from being blown to pieces. Action thriller, starring Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, John Malkovich, Steve Buscemi, Ving Rhames and Colm Meaney.

The Lost Boys (1987) TCM 11:35pm-1:25am (1 hour 50 minutes)
Two teenage brothers move with their mother to a coastal town in California, where the eldest falls in with a local biker gang. He soon discovers that his new friends are vampires and he is turning into one himself, forcing his younger brother to team up with a pair of heavily armed comic shop employees to battle the undead and save his soul. Comedy horror, starring Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Dianne Wiest, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.

Ladies The Lost Boys T-Shirt £17.99
Ladies The Lost Boys T-Shirt £17.99

SUNDAY 20th JANUARY

Sister Act (1992) Film4 1:00pm-3:00pm (2 hours)
Nightclub singer Deloris Van Cartier agrees to testify against her gangster boyfriend after witnessing a murder. Placed in protective custody by the authorities, she is less than pleased to discover she is expected to pose as chaste nun Sister Mary Clarence in a convent. Comedy, starring Whoopi Goldberg, Harvey Keitel, Maggie Smith, Bill Nunn and Kathy Najimy.

Teen Wolf (1985) Channel 5 4:00pm-5:50pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
A teenage misfit is initially dismayed to learn he is a werewolf as a result of a hereditary curse. He finds there are advantages as he becomes a local celebrity, while his enhanced agility makes him the star player of his school’s basketball team – but fame quickly goes to his head. Comedy, starring Michael J Fox, James Hampton and Susan Ursitti.

Men's Teen Wolf Fancy Dress Costume £47.99
Men's Teen Wolf Fancy Dress Costume £47.99

Stargate (1994) 5* 4:10pm-6:30pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson.

Back to the Future (1985) ITV2 5:45pm-8:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
Teenager Marty McFly travels back to the 1950s in a time machine built by his eccentric inventor friend. The return journey proves tricky enough, but he also accidentally alters the sequence of events that led to his parents falling in love – and has to persuade his future dad to win his mother’s heart, or he will never be born. Sci-fi comedy adventure, starring Michael J Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson and Crispin Glover.

Men's Back To The Future Delorean Firetracks T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies!)
Men's Back To The Future Delorean Firetracks T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies!)

Well it’s certainly getting nippy out, thankfully we have a weekend full of movie watching to keep us warm and the Lost Boys is on. For anyone who’s never seen it, Vampires were cool in the eighties – they had mullets, wore leather jackets and rode motorcycles while listening to ambient saxophone music. Or Teen Wolf for whom way back when in the eighties, were wolves wore sunglasses, played basketball and surfed on top of vans.

Whatever you get up to this weekend have fun in the snow, build us a snowman and enjoy yourselves.

The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 25!

Mrs Voorhees severed head! It must be Halloween Weekend.

As the darkness thickens and your bones start to chill and tiny hairs on your body stand on end. Your eyes refuse to blink as you look around every corner for what you thought you saw, you heard something, a  flicker of a shadowy figure darts from one wall to another as a gentle whisper of air brushes past your ear! Your spine trembles, your body tenses, you’d rather not turn around because you know situations like this never end well! There’s a creek from the wooden floorboards and as your heart thumps louder your curiosity gets the better of you as you make the decision to turn – you take one last gulp of air before you turn your head! Something darts out from the corner of the darkness, you jump literally out of your skin and let out a tiny yelp as your kitty cat playing  tricks on you runs between your legs looking like the smuggest little butter wouldn’t melt [insert swear word] (true story, this actually happened!)

So like a group of happy little kiddies dressed to the nines like ghosts and witches let us be your friendly bandaged head to foot mummy and try to fill your plastic glowing pumpkin heads to the brim as we take you door to door looking for retro tricks and nostalgic treats of pure spooky cinematic greatness.

Have a happy retro spooky weekend mwaaa hahahah haaaaa!

SATURDAY 27th OCTOBER

Innerspace (1987) ITV2 1:00pm-3:25pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
A Navy test pilot is shrunk in a ground-breaking scientific experiment, but instead of being injected into a laboratory rabbit, the tiny specimen accidentally winds up inside a hypochondriac supermarket worker. As he tries to find a way out, criminals come after the unlikely duo in search of the secret of the miniaturising technology. Sci-fi comedy, starring Dennis Quaid, Martin Short, Meg Ryan, Kevin McCarthy, Fiona Lewis and Vernon Wells.

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) ITV1 London 3:15pm-5:40pm (2 hours 25 minutes)
Farm boy Luke Skywalker is thrust into an intergalactic battle between good and evil while trying to rescue a spirited princess from the clutches of the evil Darth Vader. En route, he is helped by a cocky space pilot, a veteran warrior, two bickering robots and a hairy 8ft monster. Sci-fi adventure directed by George Lucas, with Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing.

Mars Attacks! (1996) Watch 6:00pm-8:00pm (2 hours )
The inhabitants of Earth leap into action to repel an impending invasion by a seemingly invincible Martian army, which possesses superior weaponry, a thirst for destruction and a wicked sense of humour. Tim Burton’s sci-fi comedy, starring Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Annette Bening, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito and Tom Jones.

The A-Team (2010) Channel 4 9:05pm-11:25pm (2 hours 20 minutes)
Premiere. Four soldiers are sent on a top secret mission in Iraq that results in them being imprisoned for a crime they did not commit. When they learn the culprit is trying to sell equipment for producing fake currency, they break out of prison to find him and the evidence of their innocence. Action adventure based on the 1980s TV series, with Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley and Quinton `Rampage’ Jackson.

Mr Tea Sovereign Mug £7.99
Mr Tea Sovereign Mug £7.99

Smokey and the Bandit (1977) ITV4 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
A truck driver accepts a challenge to deliver a consignment of beer to a party. He claims he can make the 900-mile round trip in just 28 hours, but a pompous sheriff is determined to stop him in his tracks, not least because his prospective daughter-in-law has deserted his son and hitched a ride with the unlikely hero. Comedy, starring Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason, Sally Field and Jerry Reed.

Halloween H20 (1998) BBC3 10:15pm-11:35pm (1 hour 20 minutes)
Homicidal madman Michael Myers returns to stalk his original target, now an alcoholic teacher, 20 years after his first killing spree, and ends up terrorising a group of teenagers in a deserted school. Horror sequel, starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Josh Hartnett and Michelle Williams.

Dawn of the Dead (1978) Syfy 10:00pm-1:10am (3 hours 10 minutes)
Four people take refuge in a shopping mall from a horde of flesh-eating zombies, clearing out the ghouls already in residence and battening down the hatches. However, their hidey hole is not as secure as they had hoped, and the beleaguered survivors are soon plunged into increasingly grisly battles with their undead foes. George A Romero’s horror sequel, starring David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott Reiniger and Gaylen Ross.

Ladies Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99
Ladies Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

SUNDAY 28th OCTOBER

Carry On Screaming (1966) ITV3 4:50pm-6:50pm (2 hours)
A sinister boffin, his sultry sister and two genetic misfits kidnap innocent women from spooky Hocomb Woods and turn them into mannequins – but two dim-witted detectives look set to throw a spanner in the works. Comedy horror, starring Kenneth Williams, Fenella Fielding, Harry H Corbett, Charles Hawtrey, Jim Dale, Joan Sims and Bernard Bresslaw.

Monster House (2006) Channel 5 5:00pm-6:50pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
A boy becomes obsessed with a sinister elderly neighbour living in a creepy old house. On Halloween night, he and two friends discover the chilling truth – the house is alive and eats anything that comes too close, including children. Animated comedy horror, with the voices of Mitchel Musso, Sam Lerner, Spencer Locke, Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jason Lee.

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) ITV2 6:45pm-9:00pm (2 hours 15 minutes)
A lonely boy befriends an alien who has been left stranded on Earth. The two develop a psychic connection as the boy helps the extraterrestrial to contact his own people and call for rescue. However, living on Earth starts to have a devastating effect on the visitor’s health, while a government operative is determined to capture him for study. Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi fantasy, starring Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Dee Wallace-Stone and Peter Coyote.

Men's Dark Heather E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies)
Men's Dark Heather E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial T-Shirt £19.99 (also available for ladies)

Stargate (1994) Channel 5 6:55pm-9:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson.

The Evil Dead (1982) Syfy 12:00am-2:00am (2 hours)
Five students staying in a remote cabin find an ancient magical book, and unwittingly unleash evil spirits on the world. The dark forces they have conjured up possess them one by one, transforming them into ravenous zombies with an insatiable desire to feast on the living. Sam Raimi’s horror, starring Bruce Campbell and Ellen Sandweiss.

Ladies Grey Zombie Killer Swing Vest £19.99
Ladies Grey Zombie Killer Swing Vest £19.99

Shaun of the Dead (2004) Sky Movies Modern Greats 9:45pm-11:30pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
An unambitious 29-year-old man trapped in the job from hell and recently dumped decides to get his life back on track. Unfortunately, he has to put his plans on hold when zombies rise from their graves and stalk the streets of London’s suburbs to feast on the living. Comedy horror, starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Dylan Moran, Lucy Davis, Bill Nighy and Penelope Wilton.

Men's Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99
Men's Zombie Killer T-Shirt £19.99

Tremors (1989) Sky Movies Action & Adventure 12:30am-2:15am (1 hour 45 minutes)
A dull American town in the middle of the desert is suddenly attacked by huge man-eating subterranean creatures. Luckily, two dimwitted but brave handymen step into the breach to lead a ragtag bunch of locals and a mismatched pair of survivalists in the battle against the gruesome worm-like monsters. Comedy horror, with Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross, Reba McEntire and Bobby Jacoby.

One of life’s small pleasures is when it actually gets cold and you turn on the central heating for first time; there’s a nice cosy feeling that goes along with that and it makes me want to watch horror movies which I love! I do enjoy a good scare although there aren’t many things I’m afraid of, apart from Big Bird from Sesame Street and telephones but that’s a story for another time.

Whatever you get up to this weekend enjoy yourselves and try not to eat too many sweets – it will spoil your tea.

Trick or treat.