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The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown – 290!

It’s movie time! As always, we’ve hand-picked some of our fave top retro films hitting the small screen this weekend. Action? Check! Adventure? Check! Fun? you betcha! Tune into some of these total classics and add some extra nostalgia to your weekend. Enjoy!

SATURDAY 16th June

Rugrats Go Wild (2003) Film4 11:00am-12:40pm (1 hour 40 minutes)
A leaky boat leaves the precocious youngsters stranded on a jungle island, but their luck changes when explorers the Wild Thornberrys come to their rescue. However, Thornberry dad Nigel loses his memory, so it falls to his daughter Eliza to save the day. Children’s animated adventure, with the voices of Nancy Cartwright, Bruce Willis, Lacey Chabert, Elizabeth Daily and Tim Curry.

Rugrats Merchandise

Rugrats Angelica Pouch from Danielle Nicole

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Stargate (1994) 5STAR 2:15pm-4:40pm
An Egyptologist and a soldier head an expedition through a mysterious portal to an alien planet. The world they find resembles ancient Egypt and is under the rule of a tyrant who has convinced the downtrodden inhabitants that he is a god – until the humans incite the enslaved populace to fight back. Sci-fi adventure, starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and Jaye Davidson.

Crocodile Dundee II (1988) Film4 4:40pm-6:50pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
The rugged Australian adventurer sets out to save his reporter girlfriend from New York drug dealers. Having rescued her from their clutches, he realises they will soon be coming after him – so he decides to even the odds by luring them to the Outback for a final showdown. Comedy adventure sequel, starring Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, John Meillon and Charles S Dutton.

Hulk (2003) 6:20pm-9:00pm (2 hours 40 minutes)
Scientist Dr Bruce Banner turns into the rampaging green Hulk after exposure to a huge dose of gamma radiation, prompting the military to embark on a no-holds-barred mission to destroy the monster. Meanwhile, Banner’s unstable father resurfaces, holding the secret to his transformation. Comic-book adventure from director Ang Lee, starring Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliott and Nick Nolte.

Superhero TShirts

Matilda (1996) Sony Movie Channel 6:55pm-9:00pm
A gifted youngster is packed off by her selfish parents to the prison-like Crunchem Hall School. Once there, she befriends a sweet-natured teacher who convinces her that not all grown-ups are bad – and urges her to use her special powers to turn the tables on the nasty headmistress. Fantasy comedy, adapted from the children’s book by Roald Dahl, with Mara Wilson, Pam Ferris, Embeth Davidtz, Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito, who also directed.

Roald Dahl Merchandise

Lethal Weapon (1987) ITV4 9:00pm-11:15pm
An unstable Vietnam veteran cop teams up with a by-the-book Los Angeles police detective to investigate the apparent suicide of the daughter of a wealthy businessman, leading them to a violent and bloody confrontation with a ruthless drug cartel under the control of a retired US general. Action thriller, starring Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Gary Busey, Mitchell Ryan and Tom Atkins.

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Rocky II (1979) ITV 10:35pm-12:50am (2 hours 15 minutes)
Philadelphia boxer Rocky Balboa quits the ring to marry his sweetheart and become a father. However, times prove hard and money is tight, so when Balboa is offered another shot at Apollo Creed’s heavyweight title, the fighter is lured out of retirement. Drama sequel, starring Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Carl Weathers, Burt Young and Burgess Meredith.

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Predator 2 (1990) Film4 10:55pm-1:05am (2 hours 10 minutes)
A Los Angeles cop, working to bring down the city’s drug gangs, suspects Jamaican criminals when he discovers several of his targets killed and skinned alive. However, the culprit behind the murders reveals himself to be an alien big-game hunter – with the stealth and guile to outwit the police and criminals alike. Sci-fi sequel, starring Danny Glover, Bill Paxton, Gary Busey and Maria Conchita Alonso.

SUNDAY 17th June

Napoleon Dynamite (2004) Film4 11:00am-12:55pm (1 hour 55 minutes)
A socially inept high-school student and his lonely unemployed brother find their eccentric home life thrown into upheaval when their meddling uncle comes to stay. The teenage oddball tries to make the best of his changing circumstances, while putting all his skills to the task of helping his new best friend win the class presidency. Comedy, starring Jon Heder, Efren Ramirez and Haylie Duff.

Napoleon Dynamite TShirts

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Jumanji (1995) Sony Movie Channel 1:40pm-3:50pm
A man who has been trapped inside a mysterious jungle board game for 26 years is eventually freed when two children start to play it. Unfortunately, he arrives with a rampaging horde of animals on his heels, leaving only one solution – to finish the game he started all those years ago. Fantasy adventure, starring Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst and Bonnie Hunt.

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Volcano (1997) Channel 4 2:25pm-4:30pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
A river of molten lava spews from an erupting volcano onto the streets of Los Angeles, prompting the head of a crisis agency to team up with an intrepid scientist in a frantic and dangerous bid to save the city’s residents. Disaster thriller, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gaby Hoffmann, Keith David and Don Cheadle.

Casper (1995) ITV2 2:55pm-4:50pm
A paranormal expert moves into a haunted house where his daughter befriends the amiable ghost of a young boy – but things start to go awry when three smelly spooks and two dastardly crooks try to chase the new residents away. Family comedy, starring Christina Ricci, Bill Pullman, Eric Idle, Cathy Moriarty and featuring the voice of Malachi Pearson.

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Hook (1991) Sony Movie Channel 3:50pm-6:45pm
Peter Pan, who has finally grown up and is now a married lawyer with a family of his own, is whisked away by Tinkerbell to Neverland, where he must learn to fly again if he is to save his children from the clutches of Captain Hook. Steven Spielberg’s fantasy adventure, with Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, Julia Roberts, Bob Hoskins and Maggie Smith.

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Ghostbusters II (1989) Sony Movie Channel 6:45pm-9:00pm
The eccentric spectre-hunters reunite to save New York from a massive river of slime generated by the citizens’ negativity and nasty thoughts. Meanwhile, the spirit of a 16th-century tyrant tries to return to the land of the living by possessing the body of a toddler. Sequel to the supernatural comedy, starring Bill Murray, Sigourney Weaver, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis and Ernie Hudson.

Ghostbusters TShirts

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Resident Evil (2002) 5STAR 11:20pm-1:25am
A team of commandos enters a top-secret underground research facility when a deadly virus which turns victims into flesh-eating zombies is accidentally released. But their containment mission spins out of control as a rogue super-intelligent computer and hordes of the marauding undead wreak havoc. Sci-fi action horror, starring Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez and James Purefoy.

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Whatever you’re up to this weekend, don’t forget to water the plans anter remember to always have ice in the freezer… you’ll thank us.

Enjoy!

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The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 189

Hello weekend…I’ve been expecting you.

If you didn’t use your best Bond villain voice whilst reading that intro, what are you even doing here? It’s the weekend. Kick off those shoes, dive head first into your slippers and watch some pretty fantastic TV. Pop the kettle on love.

SATURDAY 24th February

Look Who’s Talking Too (1990) Sony Movie Channel 9:00am-10:40am (1 hour, 40 minutes)
Mischievous toddler Mikey is joined by his baby sister Julie and sibling rivalry inevitably erupts! While their parents have problems of their own to deal with, in the shape of the kids’ good-for-nothing uncle. Comedy sequel, starring John Travolta and Kirstie Alley, with the voices of Bruce Willis and Rosanne Barr. An awesome one for all the family!

The Hound of Baskervilles (1983) True Movies 11:00am-1:00pm (2 hours) Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson set out to protect the last remaining member of the aristocratic Baskerville family, who believes he is being persecuted by a monstrous spectral hound roaming the bleak Devon moors. Adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle’s mystery thriller, starring Ian Richardson, Donald Churchill, Denholm Elliott, Martin Shaw and Brian Blessed. Sign us up!

 

Napoleon Dynamite (2004) Film4 11am-1pm (2 hours)
A socially inept high-school student and his lonely unemployed brother find their eccentric home life thrown into upheaval when their meddling uncle comes to stay. The teenage oddball tries to make the best of his changing circumstances, while putting all his skills to the task of helping his new best friend win the class presidency. Comedy, starring Jon Heder, Efren Ramirez and Haylie Duff. Girls like guys with skills…they really do!

Napoleon Dynamite TShirts

James and the Giant Peach (1997) 5STAR 11.10am-12.45pm (1 hour, 35 minutes)
An unhappy orphan living with his cruel aunts discovers a gigantic peach growing in the garden. Venturing inside, he meets six friendly insects and together they embark on a magical journey. Animated and live-action fantasy, based on Roald Dahl’s novel. Diggin’ the film? Check out our Roald Dahl t-shirts.

Aliens: Special Edition (1986) ITV4 10.00pm-1.00am Film 4 + 1
Lone survivor Ripley is rescued in deep space decades after an alien creature wiped out her ship’s entire crew. She is recruited to accompany a military expedition to a colony on the planet where she first encountered the monster, only to find the aliens have been reproducing and there are now hordes of them. Extended cut of James Cameron’s sci-fi thriller sequel, with Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn and Lance Henriksen.

Highlander (1986) ITV 11.05pm-12:20am (1 hour, 15 minutes)
A 16th-century Scottish clansman discovers he is one of a race of immortal warriors who can only be killed by beheading, and who are destined to fight to the death until just one survives. Centuries later in modern-day New York, he prepares for a final showdown with his deadliest enemy. Fantasy action adventure, starring Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Clancy Brown and Roxanne Hart. Featuring a soundtrack by Queen.

Men in Black II (1986) E4 7:15pm-9:00pm  (1 hour, 45 minutes) Agent J investigates the unauthorised landing of a spacecraft and discovers a malevolent alien disguised as a lingerie model is on the verge of destroying humanity. His only hope of stopping her diabolical plot is to restore the memory of his retired partner K – but his former mentor takes more than a little convincing. Sci-fi comedy sequel, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosario Dawson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Johnny Knoxville, Rip Torn and Tony Shalhoub.

Lethal Weapon 4 (1998) ITV HD  11:05pm-1:30am (2 hours 5 minutes)
Mismatched LAPD detectives Riggs and Murtaugh stumble across a ship transporting Chinese immigrants into the US. As they try to get to the bottom of the organisation behind the smuggling, they find themselves up against a master criminal who is an expert in martial arts and heads a triad responsible for people-trafficking and forgery. Action adventure sequel, starring Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Rene Russo, Joe Pesci, Jet Li and Chris Rock.

SUNDAY 18th February

Godzilla (1998) Sony Movie Channel 1:30pm-4:20pm (2 hours 40 minutes)
A giant mutant lizard spawned from an atomic test rampages through the streets of New York, defying the combined might of the US Army and Navy as it searches for a quiet place to hatch its eggs. A bookish radiation expert and a shady French secret agent join forces to defeat the creature. Hollywood remake of the Japanese monster adventure, starring Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo and Hank Azaria.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003) Sony Movie Channel 4:00pm-5:55pm (1 hour, 55 minutes)
Daffy Duck tires of playing second fiddle to Bugs Bunny, so sets off to seek his fortune. He ends up helping a would-be stuntman rescue his screen idol father, in reality a secret agent, who has been kidnapped by the deranged chairman of the Acme Corporation. Live action and animated comedy, with Brendan Fraser, Steve Martin, Timothy Dalton and Jenna Elfman.

Men in Black IIi (2002) E4 8.00pm-10:00pm (2 hours)
Agent J investigates the unauthorised landing of a spacecraft and discovers a malevolent alien disguised as a lingerie model is on the verge of destroying humanity. His only hope of stopping her diabolical plot is to restore the memory of his retired partner K – but his former mentor takes more than a little convincing. Sci-fi comedy sequel, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosario Dawson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Johnny Knoxville, Rip Torn and Tony Shalhoub.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, keep calm, and always go back for seconds.

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The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 277

What’s that coming over the hill? Is it dangerous? Is it spectacular? Is it going to change our lives forever? Welll… YES as it’s this weeks retro movie rundown!

With the sounds of arcade machines ringing all around us, we find ourselves gazing down the 60 feet long glassy wood lane towards our ten, nervous pins standing tall. Selecting our ball of choice which has the perfect weight and grip size, we take aim and begin our swift but perfectly calculated throw before sending our ball hurling towards our victims.

SATURDAY 10th February

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Look Who’s Talking (1989) 5STAR 11:25am-1:30pm
Pregnant Mollie is dumped by her boyfriend, and sets out after the baby’s birth to find a surrogate father for her infant son Mikey, who comments on proceedings through a wisecracking inner monologue. Mikey is confident the cab driver who helped deliver him is the perfect man for the job – but his mother is less than convinced. Comedy, with John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and the voice of Bruce Willis.

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The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 272

Deck the halls and pour some drinks! With a healthy sized mince pie and a snifter of mulled wine, we find ourselves all of a sudden… in Christmas! With festive lights bringing our local streets to life and the smell of freshly baked goods with cinnamon lingering in the air, we quickly begin to wrap presents and write cards as we get festive season ready!

SATURDAY 16th December

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Volcano (1997) Film4 2:45pm-4:50pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
A river of molten lava spews from an erupting volcano onto the streets of Los Angeles, prompting the head of a crisis agency to team up with an intrepid scientist in a frantic and dangerous bid to save the city’s residents. Disaster thriller, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gaby Hoffmann, Keith David and Don Cheadle.

The Return of the Musketeers (1989) Film4 4:50pm-6:55pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
D’Artagnan reunites his former companions to save the queen of France from the scheming Cardinal Mazarin, and embark on a mission to England to prevent the beheading of Charles I. Meanwhile, the daughter of a former vanquished enemy is seeking revenge on the four heroes. Swashbuckling adventure sequel, with Oliver Reed, Michael York, Frank Finlay, Richard Chamberlain, Kim Cattrall and Roy Kinnear, who died during filming.

Liar Liar (1997) ITV2 6:10pm-7:55pm
A lawyer, whose underhand ploys to win cases leave him little time to see his son, discovers he is incapable of lying after the boy’s birthday wish makes his dad tell only the truth. However, this causes a host of problems as the attorney tries to muddle his way through a high-profile divorce settlement. Comedy, with Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney, Justin Cooper, Jennifer Tilly and Cary Elwes.

Men in Black (1997) Film4 9:00pm-10:55pm (1 hour 55 minutes)
A streetwise cop is enlisted by a top-secret government force dedicated to policing alien visitors to Earth, teaming up with a veteran agent just as a body-swapping extraterrestrial giant insect begins a reign of terror throughout New York City. Sci-fi comedy, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Fiorentino, Rip Torn and Vincent D’Onofrio.

Rush Hour (1998) Dave 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
A Hong Kong detective is sent to Los Angeles to investigate a kidnapping, but the local authorities worry that his presence in America might spark an international incident, and assign a loud-mouthed and troublesome cop to keep an eye on him. However, the new partnership proves an explosive combination. Comedy adventure, starring Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Ken Leung, Tom Wilkinson and Chris Penn.

Dirty Dancing (1987) 5STAR 9:00pm-11:05pm
A dance instructor at a 1960s resort hotel fears his career will be jeopardised when his regular partner is forced to pull out of an important show in which they are due to perform. Luckily, a naive teenager is happy to step in, and is treated to a whirlwind holiday education in life, love and expressing herself. Romantic drama, starring Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey and Jerry Orbach.

Dirty Dancing Merchandise

Navy Seals (1990) ITV4 9:00pm-11:20pm
The US Navy’s elite commando force embarks on a dangerous covert mission to rescue hostages from an Arab terrorist in Beirut. However, the assignment proves far more serious than expected when they realise their enemies have acquired powerful stolen missiles. Action adventure, starring Charlie Sheen, Michael Biehn, Joanne Whalley, Bill Paxton and Rick Rossovich.

The Bone Collector (1999) Sony Movie Channel 11:00pm-1:35am
A quadriplegic ex-cop is saved from the brink of suicide by a rookie female officer needing his expertise to form a psychological profile of a serial killer. The murderer is posing as a cab driver and terrorising Manhattan, and has a gruesome habit of taking trophies from his victims’ bodies. Thriller, starring Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Michael Rooker, Mike McGlone, Luis Guzman and Queen Latifah.

SUNDAY 17th December

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Jack Frost (1998) ITV2 2:00pm-4:05pm
A rock musician who realises he is spending too much time away from his family is killed in a car accident while travelling home for the festive season. The following year his spirit takes on the form of a snowman, made by his son, allowing them to spend one last Christmas together. Fantasy drama, starring Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston, Joseph Cross and Mark Addy.

Toy Story 2 (1999) BBC1 2:50pm-4:20pm (1 hour 30 minutes)
Cowboy doll Woody is stolen by an unscrupulous toy collector, who knows he is worth a fortune as a collectible, prompting fearless Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear to lead a daring across-town mission to rescue him. However, Woody is tempted to spend his life languishing in the safety of a museum rather than face the prospect of his owner growing up. Animated sequel, featuring the voices of Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack and Kelsey Grammer.

Toy Story Merchandise

Jingle All the Way (1996) Channel 4 3:05pm-4:50pm (1 hour 45 minutes)
A workaholic father tries to make up for his perpetual absence from home by promising to buy his son a hugely popular action figure for Christmas – little realising every other father in town has the same idea. Comedy, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Jake Lloyd, Rita Wilson, Robert Conrad and Phil Hartman.

Miracle on 34th Street (1994) Channel 4 5:50pm-8:00pm (2 hours 10 minutes)
A woman raises her six-year-old daughter to believe that Santa Claus does not exist, but they both have a change of heart after meeting a department store Father Christmas who claims to be the man himself. When the kindly fellow is accused of being a charlatan, his new friends engage a lawyer to prove his true identity. Remake of the 1947 family drama, with Richard Attenborough, Elizabeth Perkins, Mara Wilson and Dylan McDermott.

The Shadow (1994) Sony Movie Channel 6:35pm-9:00pm
A masked hero uses his mysterious mental powers to fight evil and faces his deadliest enemy in the shape of a descendant of warlord Genghis Khan, whose formidable psychic abilities are a match for his adversary’s and who is bent on annihilating New York with a nuclear device. Superhero adventure set in the 1930s, starring Alec Baldwin, John Lone, Penelope Ann Miller, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen and Tim Curry.

Scrooge (1970) Channel 5 6:45pm-9:00pm
Hard-hearted Victorian miser Ebenezer Scrooge refuses to join in with the spirit of the festive season – until a succession of spectral visitors turn up to teach him the error of his ways. Musical adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol, starring Albert Finney, Alec Guinness, Kenneth More, Edith Evans and Paddy Stone.

Species II (1998) ITV4 9:00pm-10:55pm
An astronaut returns from a mission transformed into a deadly alien and determined to propagate his species. To combat the threat, scientists resurrect a female creature of the same race – but they have no way of knowing where her loyalties will lie. Sci-fi thriller sequel, starring Natasha Henstridge, Michael Madsen, Marg Helgenberger and Mykelti Williamson.

Die Hard (1988) Channel 4 10:00pm-12:35am (2 hours 35 minutes)
New York cop John McClane visits Los Angeles to see his family over the Christmas holiday. Stopping off at his wife’s place of work, he realises armed men have taken over the building and are holding the corporation’s staff to ransom – and only he has the ability to fight back. Action thriller, starring Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman and Bonnie Bedelia.

Sleepy Hollow (1999) Channel 5 11:10pm-12:55am (1 hour 45 minutes)
A sceptical 18th-century detective is sent to a small hamlet supposedly terrorised by a demonic headless horseman who decapitates his victims. The investigator refuses to believe in the supernatural, convinced a human killer is behind the murders – but the legend proves to be all too true. Tim Burton’s gothic horror, starring Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Miranda Richardson and Christopher Walken.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, remember to take a break and grab a cuppa. You won’t regret it.

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The Weekly Retro Movie Rundown 268

Yay! Weekend time again folks, Thank the god of weekends because they have packed it to the brim for us movie loving geeks. From adventuring archaeologists, teenage wizardry, shrimp boat captains, teenage romantics and firemen, it’s a fine time to stay in with us so put your feet up and completely immerse yourself in this weekends retro extravaganza. Enjoy yourself folks!

SATURDAY 18th November

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Beethoven’s 2nd (1993) ITV2 2:00pm-3:50pm
The slobbering St Bernard is now grown up and in love with his beautiful sweetheart Missy. Together they bring a litter of puppies into the world – but have to go on the defensive when Missy’s owner, the evil Regina, sets out to steal them for herself. Comedy sequel, starring Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Chris Penn, Nicholle Tom and Christopher Castle.

The Fifth Element (1997) 5STAR 4:40pm-7:10pm
In the 23rd century, the world faces destruction from a seemingly unstoppable force of pure evil. Meanwhile, a New York cab driver encounters a mysterious woman destined to save the Earth from its fate, and has to protect her from a scheming arms dealer and a horde of alien mercenaries. Luc Besson’s sci-fi adventure, starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich and Gary Oldman.

Dante’s Peak (1997) Film4 6:55pm-9:00pm (2 hours 5 minutes)
A vulcanologist’s suspicions that a long-dormant volcano is about to erupt turn out to be true, prompting him to race against time to save the community standing in its way – and clash with local government officials weighing his predictions against the loss in tourism revenue. Disaster movie, starring Pierce Brosnan, Linda Hamilton, Elizabeth Hoffman and Charles Hallahan.

Stephen King’s It (1990) Sony Movie Channel 9:00pm-12:50am (3 hours 50 minutes)
A boy’s murder alerts seven friends that a supernatural enemy they fought as children has returned. But after 30 years apart, the reluctant heroes struggle to overcome their worst fears and find the courage necessary to defeat such an inhuman force. Horror, starring Tim Curry, Richard Thomas, Tim Reid, John Ritter and Olivia Hussey.

Darkman (1990) Film4 9:00pm-11:00pm (2 hours)
A scientist working on synthetic skin is horribly disfigured and left for dead by a criminal gang. Now unable to feel pain, he continues his research, creating artificial faces that will last for only a short time. He uses these disguises to aid him in taking revenge on those who mutilated him – while also using a mask of his own face to see the girlfriend who thinks he died. Thriller, starring Liam Neeson and Frances McDormand.

First Blood (1982) ITV 10:55pm-12:40am (1 hour 45 minutes)
Vietnam veteran John Rambo is wrongfully arrested in a backwoods town and tested to the limits of his endurance by a brutal deputy. Rambo escapes from his cell and heads out to the woods, and with the forces of the law in hot pursuit he finally has the chance to fight them on his own terms. Action thriller, starring Sylvester Stallone, Brian Dennehy, Richard Crenna and David Caruso.

Aliens (1986) Film4 11:00pm-2:05am (3 hours 5 minutes)
Lone survivor Ripley is rescued in deep space decades after an alien creature wiped out her ship’s entire crew. She is recruited to accompany a military expedition to a colony on the planet where she first encountered the monster, only to find the aliens have been reproducing and there are now hordes of them. James Cameron’s sci-fi thriller sequel, with Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn and Lance Henriksen.

SUNDAY 19th November

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Carry On Screaming (1966) ITV 11:05am-12:55pm (1 hour 50 minutes)
A sinister boffin, his sultry sister and two genetic misfits kidnap innocent women from spooky Hocomb Woods and turn them into mannequins – but two dim-witted detectives look set to throw a spanner in the works. Comedy horror, starring Kenneth Williams, Fenella Fielding, Harry H Corbett, Charles Hawtrey, Jim Dale, Joan Sims and Bernard Bresslaw.

A Walk in the Clouds (1995) Sony Movie Channel 4:10pm-6:25pm
A salesman, recently returned from the Second World War, meets a pregnant woman who is anxious about going back to live on her strict parents’ vineyard, so he agrees to pose as her husband to calm the waters. But once there, he is reluctant to give up the pleasures of the simple life, despite having a real wife back home. Romantic drama, starring Keanu Reeves, Aitana Sanchez-Gijon and Anthony Quinn.

Fun Fact: Keanu Reeves was injured during a friendly game of hockey with his friends during spare time. His lip was split, requiring six stitches. In his next scheduled scene, a love scene with Debra Messing, he was quoted as saying to her: “please don’t hurt me.”

Men in Black II (2002) Channel 4 5:20pm-7:00pm (1 hour 40 minutes)
Agent J investigates the unauthorised landing of a spacecraft and discovers a malevolent alien disguised as a lingerie model is on the verge of destroying humanity. His only hope of stopping her diabolical plot is to restore the memory of his retired partner K – but his former mentor takes more than a little convincing. Sci-fi comedy sequel, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosario Dawson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Johnny Knoxville, Rip Torn and Tony Shalhoub.

Cliffhanger (1993) ITV4 9:00pm-11:15pm
A retired mountain rescue expert is drawn into a battle of wits with a psychopathic criminal searching for a $100million fortune lost in the Rockies – and puts his life on the line as he negotiates the treacherous mountains in a bid to stay one step ahead of the crook. Action thriller, starring Sylvester Stallone, John Lithgow, Janine Turner and Michael Rooker.

Hard to Kill (1990) ITV4 11:15pm-1:20am
A gang of drug dealers attacks the home of a Los Angeles cop, leaving him in a coma and his wife dead. Seven years later, he regains consciousness and gets ready to exact a grisly payback on the murderers. As he embarks on his deadly mission of vengeance, he learns his son also survived the attack, but was told he is dead. Thriller, with Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, Bill Sadler and Frederick Coffin.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, don’t forget to wipe your feet and always keep both shoes together when not wearing them. It’s a nightmare otherwise.